Metal Heart (English Version)
by Romvnovva
Summary: After Steve's definitive retirement as Captain America, Sam and Bucky must rearm (and disarm) their lives. A mission, a dream, an avalanche of memories, and a trip to space are all they need to bring Nat back with them. - T rated for possible erotic scenes in the future and vocabulary.
1. Intro

Hi everyone! I'm Paula, and this is a fanfic I'm writing to heal my heart after Endgame. It will be my best attempt to fix all the chaos that remained after the film, for those of us who have simply decided to ignore the bad decision made by the directors and the team by taking away Nat and Tony. This story will be about -the intention of- returning Natasha to life, and how James Barnes and Sam Wilson rearm (and disarm) their lives after Steve's retirement. Hope you like it. Any comments, suggestions or complaints can go in the comments and reviews. This is the English version of the fanfic that I am writing is Spanish, has the same name but with another language classification. From Chile, with a lot of love.

_**Disclaimer: the characters mentioned here are not my property, but Marvel Comics and Marvel Studios. The songs on which I was inspired to write this story are not my property either, I will eventually give credit to each artist or group.**_

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-And now what? - Said Sam, looking at the shining shield, as if it had not been almost destroyed a few days ago.

\- Now what what? - Bucky answered straightening his hair. He wasn't sure if he wanted to keep calling himself Bucky. Not since Steve had returned as a wrinkled raisin.

Hell, everything had happened so fast. The years always go fast. He remembered complaining about that a lot of times, of the few things he remember. But being out of the ice helps him to recover himself. Of all that he had lost in his life, losing himself has been the most painful.

Everything had happened fast. His last days in Wakanda, after waking up from cryogenization. The battle against ... Thanos? Hell, he always imagined there was life out there, but not like that. The machine gun he took from the quinjet to Siberia a couple of years ago helped him get a good pair of aliens off of him. Had years gone by already? It felt just like a week. Then he became dust, or ashes, Steve and the avengers who survived the snap found a way to bring them back 5 years later. Shit. It's not that he was worried about losing 5 more years of his life because, well, he had already lost almost 70 years and doing worse things; 5 more wouldn't hurt him. God, Steve traveled back in time to be with Peggy and came back when she passed away. He would have saved him from Hydra if he could. But going back in time wouldn't change things, it wouldn't erase what he had lived. It doesn't matter anymore. Tony had taken all the nightmares with his snap. How would his family be? He hadn't managed to say goodbye or apologize properly. Maybe it was one of the things he regretted the most, even if Steve had told him it wasn't his fault.

He needed to breathe, everything was very dense. "Things happens for a reason, I guess" he convinced himself. God, his head hurts if he began to remember everything like that. The shield, Sam, old Steve, Tony, wake up, aliens, wake up again, Wakanda ...

Oh God, how would his goats be doing?

\- Hey, I've been three solid minutes waiting for you to answer me, and you're just looking at the grass. - Sam replied. Sometimes this guy stayed stuck watching things, quiet, like a statue. What was he thinking? Is he thinking at least?

-I'm sorry, I was remembering something. - Buck straightened on the bench. It was the only bench that remained in the Avengers complex. The rest of the camp had been destroyed in battle. There were a couple of meters of grass in front of them and the lake below. It was the same bench where they found Steve when he returned from the time trip.

-Something new?- Sam asked. He knew that Barnes was taking a strong psychological process. When he was in therapy after losing his best friend and co-pilot, it cost him to recover and he understood that healing manifested itself in many ways. But he had already lost almost everyone. Riley, Steve, Nat ... God, he couldn't believe what she had done. For him, for everyone. He wished there was some way to thank to her. He hadn't known her well, if someone on Earth had managed to do it, but he liked her.

"No, I was thinking about my goats, in Wakanda ..." Buck replied distractedly, although he knew that his thoughts had been much deeper than that.

Sam snorted.

-Oh, come on, goats? What are you now, a pastor? With that hair you look like Jesus Christ. You sure stink just like them.

Bucky laughed a little. Sam was a clown, but one of those who tells you funny things without moving a muscle in his face, which makes it even funnier. They had known each other for a few days, although he still didn't forget his attempt to leave him locked in that fucked-up, rusty beetle Steve had found to go undercover. Now he was tied to him for the rest of his life.

-I don't know what we're going to do now, I guess take it back where our lives... were - Buck said. Can you really do that after something like that?

-Yes, I guess that's what we have left. At least we are not a big green man.-

Buck laughed again. Sam smiled as he looked at the lake.

God, he wish it were so easy to start over.

-Hey, how good are you as a homeowner? - Buck looked at him somewhat bewildered. -What do you mean?

-You are, or were, a soldier, right? Do you know how to clean? Washing dishes? Make beds? Sam was amused internally to bother him with those things.

-Yes, I know how to clean, I'm an organized person.- James frowned, but he wanted to laugh.

-Alright, alright ... - Said Sam getting up from the bench, but it wasn't enough with that.

-... You know how to use a vacuum, right? Tell me you know what a vacuum cleaner is, old man.

-Hey, I'm not an imbecile, I know perfectly what a vacuum cleaner is... I wasn't born yesterday. -Barnes also got up, Sam was an idiot sometimes, but it was funny.

-Oh no, of course you weren't born yesterday. -Now Sam was laughing.


	2. Girls, Bones, Parties, War

I'm very happy to see that my fanfic is well received. Thanks to the first comment! You can't imagine how happy it made me. Hope you all like this first chapter too.

Let me know what you want and what you would like to read.

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**CHAPTER 1: GIRLS, BONES, PARTIES, WAR**

-3 months later-

Sam walked slowly in the middle of the darkness. He couldn't be seen or heard, it was very important catch him at the right time. He had his gun in his hand, ready to use it. This time he probably would use it. He advanced almost on tiptoe, stuck to the wall, as he approached his target. Little by little, he could see the light coming from the back of the residence. A little more and he would have him on his hands.

He had been hearing these strange noises for weeks. At first he worried, but he couldn't tolerate anymore. This had to end.

He kept moving without being noticed, until he had hit the edge of the wall, near the door, had taken air, and then he jumped to surprise him by pointing him with the gun:

\- TAKE YOUR DAMN HANDS OF MY FLAN NOW BARNES!

There was a crash behind the refrigerator door, a clogged sound and the sound of a spoon falling to the floor, splashing the flan around.

-WHAT THE FUCK, STUPID, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? - Bucky yelled, closing the refrigerator tightly.

Sam started to laugh hysterically. It was one of those few times when he managed to surprise Bucky. Most of the time it wasn't possible because the fucking guy was impossible to catch with his guard down. Well, it wasn't easy to surprise a damn murderer, but this time he had managed to get him to hit himself with the refrigerator. He still had the water pistol pointing, and fired a jet that went straight to his neck.

-Ohh come on ... -Bucky complained, it was 2 in the morning and he only went to see if the flan that Sam had prepared was ready. He just wanted to taste it, it smelled good a few hours ago.

-I told you that if you tried to eat the flan without me, I would shoot you.

-God, Sam, it's 2 in the morning, I've been like 50 years without eating anything else than a fucking serum and you come to annoy me for your damn pudding. It wasn't even that good.

-Yes, sure it was terrible. - Sam now directed a stream of water to Bucky's flannel trousers. He was happy, he finally managed to catch him. -You're going to have to clean that, little Cinderella. I wasn't trapping the floor for you to spill flan in it.

-Maybe it wouldn't be necessary if you just don't try to kill me when I get close to the refrigerator.

-Bullshit, clean or I'm gonna wet your bed too. - Sam threw the water pistol at the dishwasher and went to his room.

It had been about 3 months since Sam adopted Bucky as a Cinderella - roommate - friend. Eventually they started to know each other better, talk more and get along. It's not something they would have wanted voluntarily, but it wasn't worth being unfriendly. They were practically alone. Clint was in Canada with his family. Pepper raising Morgan, Bruce being an influencer, T'Challa in Wakanda, Steve enjoying his grandchildren in Brooklyn, the spider boy traveling with Tony's driver, and S.H.I.E.L.D. recovering slowly. The only person they saw constantly was Wanda. The girl traveled to see Clint often and had become the older sister of his children. She had lost almost everything. Vision was gone, his brother, even the family she had found in the Avengers. That's why they went out with her, went to parks or to new places. They trained to keep up the habit, but the retirement was only good for Steve. They could still give more, although there were not many interesting events in recent months.

Sam leaned back on his bed. He looked toward the ceiling, minimally visible in the darkness. He sighed tiredly, though he did nothing. Can you be tired of doing nothing? He had returned to his work with group therapies, and he set out to help Buck along the way. Not that it was very helpful, he supposed, but sometimes you need to be listened a little bit. And being recommended movies, and being teached how to connect the Nintendo Switch.

That idiot had become important. Not as important as the microwave, but close to that. He'd been remembering more things. But good things, not the images of his victims before dying, as he usually did. God, he didn't even want to imagine what it must be like to live with that. Poor guy, it wasn't his fault, although he deal with it like no one else. Sam supposed that Bucky survived everything because he was a strong person, and with that same strength he would recover. It would only take time, and that asshole had plenty.

* * *

Bucky threw the last piece of kitchen paper in the trash and snorted. The flan was delicious, although Sam gave him a good scare. He knew he would eventually catch him, because it wasn't the first time he sneaked bits of food out of the refrigerator or the oven at night. God, eating was wonderful. No doubts that was a pleasure denied to him for so long, and now at last he could go out and put whatever he wanted to his mouth. Among all the flavors and new foods, the salty was the best. His favorite? Pizza, definitely he couldn't get tired of eating it and trying varieties. The whole world was available to him in a new and positive way. But it wasn't the same to enjoy everything without Steve.

He couldn't deny it, he felt very sad for his decision, but obviously they couldn't stay together forever. His friend finally had the opportunity to do something for his own life, for his own interests after fighting and putting all the others before himself. He deserved that life with Peggy, absolutely. But having it so close and at the same time so far away was not easy.

He threw himself to his bed. He thought that he would never stop feeling it like a cloud. The day he went out with Sam to buy it was great. Buck literally sat down, leaned back and stretched on every existing bed in the stores they visited, until he chose the one he liked more. As Sam said, after so much time living badly it felt like sleeping on marshmallows, although they had to go buy some after realizing that he didn't know what they were.

Sam was a great person, he definitely deserved the shield and the name of Captain America, although he believed that no recognition in the world could do justice to everything he had done for the universe, and for Bucky himself. He wish one day he could find a partner who could give him all the affection he deserved, and who could bear him too.

But what about him? Could he ever find a woman who would not be shocked with everything he drags? Before the war it was so easy, just a smile and he could get anything he wanted, although he never took advantage of that. His mother didn't raise a cretin, but boy, she wouldn't be happy that he was more than 100 years old and not married to a beautiful and intelligent girl.

But at the same time the idea of getting married and having children seemed like a dream to which he had involuntarily resigned. Hope had been snatched away when he was caught in the snow, with several broken bones, stripped of a pair on his left arm. Girls, bones, parties, wars. It was like having the worst nightmare and waking up, but continue with the feeling in the chest.

He turned on the bed and took a deep breath, feeling the air reach to the last corner of his lungs and escaping after a few seconds. Girls, dances, parties, children, a dog and a garden.

He closed his eyes, he was over-thinking too much again. It would be best to try to induce himself to sleep, so he began to imagine.

A garden, a large one, wide, without bars, in the middle of the forest.

A house surrounded by trees ...

Trees in spring, overflowing ...

Trees in summer, with some fruits sticking out ...

Trees in autumn, with leaves gliding in the air ...

Brown leaves ...

Orange leaves ...

Red leaves…

Red leaves…

A garden dyed red ...

Red tufts flying in the air along with the leaves ...

A harmonious laugh, among trees sprinkled with snow.


	3. The Dark Envelope

**Hey! I'm really happy for this chapter, things are getting interesting since here. I'm excited for writing what it's coming! Hope you enjoy it as much as I did while writing it.**

**Share with a friend if you like it. **

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**CHAPTER 2: THE DARK ENVELOPE**

Buck woke up suddenly, with a small scream, gasping and breathing hard. He looked around the ceiling, finding only bright halos of light that crossed from the window to get lost in a carpet. His blue eyes stared at the tiny specks of dust floating in the air, yellow and bright, dancing peacefully in space, as he tried to control his breathing. He closed his eyes again to concentrate on the sounds: some birds, some cars in the street over there, a television set. Surely it was Sam watching something.

He heard footsteps approaching his room and then the door opened.

-How are you? His friend asked him with a bowl of cereal in one hand and the other still on the door handle. - Another nightmare?

-Hello ... - he scrubbed his eyes a bit and replied with a frown -... not exactly.

-So what? Sam released the door and took a few steps inside.

-I don't know, it was ... weird - Bucky was trying to remember the whole dream, or at least as much as he could.

-Like good weird or bad weird? -Sam asked, his mouth full of honery star cereal.

-Damn, Sam, I don't know, it was just weird, I was in a forest with snow and I heard a girl laugh, she was in front of me but I couldn't see her full face, I only saw her mouth, she had red, thick lips... very nice ... it seemed very real... I heard his laugh very clear. - Bucky sat on the bed. He had the slight feeling that He had seen that smile before, or to have heard it, it was like dreaming about someone you're supposed to know inside the dream but you really don't know who it is.

-Wow, that's deep, did you see her face?

-No, just her mouth, I thought I saw her hair, or some strands, but I can't remember the color or the length. -Buck was frustrated, it was the first dream that was not a nightmare and he felt out of himself, like a kind of deja-vu.

-Well, hope you can dream her again. Come to breakfast before I leave you without cereal. -Sam said, and closed the door behind him.

Buck straightened on the edge of his bed, stretching his back and neck. He took a deep breath and felt the silence for a few moments.

"_Maybe I knew her .._." he murmured slowly, to himself, as if he wanted to tell himself a secret he had no clues about.

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-I'm going! -Buck shouted when he heard the door from the kitchen, washing dishes and breakfast cups. He really liked that cereal in the shape of stars, but it ended up fucking fast. Maybe he would go for more to the supermarket in the afternoon.

He went to the door to open it, drying his hands with a kitchen towel.

-Hey! How are you? - Wanda greeted him smiling. She was carrying a large paper bag that caught Bucky's attention immediately. Wanda's visits usually meant gifts.

-Very well, thank you, how have you been? -Buck made way for her to enter and close. -How was the trip?

-Excellent, I've brought some gifts for you- she said as she put the bag on the dining room table. -I went around Toronto before coming here.. -Wanda looked happy and anxious to show them what she had brought them.

-Look who is here, is not the traveler little witch? Tell us right now what you have brought us or I'll kick you out of my house- Exclaimed Sam entering the dining room, direct to embrace Wanda.

-Hello! -Wanda enjoyed the comforting hug -Oh please, I'm dying to show you everything.

The first thing she took out was a sphere with the iconic Casa Loma, with the same shape as a crystal snowball, but with glitter and brilliant sparkles that danced when the decoration was shaken. It was a very nice souvenir, and surely Sam would put it on the shelf in the dining room with all the others he had put together in his life. Apart from the war, he had had the opportunity to travel to some other countries throughout Europe before joining the Avengers. It would not be bad to go around there again. -This is for you Sam.

-Nah, Wanda! It's beautiful, I really appreciate it. - Sam took the sphere carefully and waved it a little, watching as the golden flashes circled the small castle.

Buck was focused on the crystal ball, when Wanda interrupted him.

-Hey, this is for you Buck. -He looked at her in surprise, for Wanda usually brought edible gifts or small ornaments to the apartment where they lived with Sam. She didn't live far away, but she had preferred to have her own space, so she spent her time traveling and visiting them. Wanda then took from the bag a white baseball ball, with small drawings of red objects alluding to Canada and the name of the country written in the style of coca cola.

-Oh, it's very pretty, thank you very much Wanda -He reached her to receive the gift.

-I'm glad, I wasn't quite sure what to bring you at first, but I think I was right.- He smiled.

\- You arrived long ago? Are you hungry? -Sam asked, settling the sphere on the mantelpiece.

-I arrived early but I had breakfast recently, anyway, that's not all I brought.

Buck looked at the bag again. It had already seemed strange to him that she had brought such a large bag for two small objects. Wanda pulled out a brown paper envelope, full of papers inside. It looked old and somewhat stained on the outside, some ends of the contained documents were folded and wrinkled, and she put it on the table.

\- Clint gave to me this. He said Natasha gave it to him a few years ago, and asked him to keep it until it was safe for everyone to see what it contains. He was looking at it after finding it recently, and he thought he should bring it to you, you know, after everything that happened. I haven't read them, so I thought we could take a look today, if you want, after lunch.

Sam and Bucky looked at each other. During the last months they had tried to overcome the losses together and separately. Both were affected and demonstrated in their own way, and felt that they were surpassing everything that happened. Anyway, they were curious to know what Nat would have wanted to keep out of the base of the avengers, and why Clint thought it was necessary for Sam and Buck to look those things now.

-Of course, no problem, let's see what it is after lunch ... -Said Bucky, seeing that Sam had remained static. Wanda smiled at him slightly. They had several things in common, although they had never talked deeply about the painful similarities in their lives. - ... But first come, sit down, tell us what you did this time in Canada. -Bucky smiled back and they sat on the couch.

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They talked all afternoon, they cooked together, they played Nintendo and the news of the last weeks were told. Sam told Wanda how he had catched Buck eating the pudding in the middle of the night and Buck claimed that no one was teaching him to cook desserts or bake. Sam responded in his defense that he had taught him to use google to find what he wanted, and that was true.

Bucky didn't know how many hours he had spent surfing the internet in recent months. Although he hadn't been disconnected from the world for decades like Steve, he didn't remember much of his waking time, and neither had Hydra allowed him to get too close to the outside world; least they had allowed him to have fun with something other than hunting enemies. So it was hours, days, weeks investigating things. Reading history books, learning about technology, watching movies and trying new foods. He had also been listening to new music, especially the lists of recommendations that Shuri had given him once he said goodbye to Wakanda, knowing that he would be welcome when he wanted to return. Anyway, the princess had made him promise to return after a few months to check the prosthetic arm and make some improvements and updates.

Sam, on the other hand, was anxious and had conversations with T'Challa to see if there was any form of recovery for Buck. Normal psychiatrists would not usually be able to help him. SHIELD had tried to contact the most advanced and specialized doctors, but they didn't have much to contribute, because their case was serious. The damage that Hydra had done to him was profound. They needed more than ordinary therapy. Lately he had come to think that maybe Wanda could help him, because of his telepathic powers, but he didn't know if the soldier would accept them to get into his mind again. He looked at the time: 17:42 in the afternoon. He started to feel anxious too and looked sideways at the envelope that his friend had brought them. What secrets did Natasha keep there?

He missed her quite a lot. After Steve went to rescue them from the underwater prison a few years ago, they had been fleeing and hiding together as fugitives. Despite being persecuted by the whole world, it had been the best time for them. They had known each other better and enjoyed doing things together, rescue people and make interventions in different countries when they threatened innocent people. How he missed those times. Only God knew how much he missed Natasha and Steve, and well, Buck for sure missed them too after these months.

\- Do you want to check the files, Sam? - Wanda brought him ashore again. Sure she noticed that he was too distracted.

-Okay, let's take a look.

Wanda got up and went to get the envelope. When she sat back, she handed it to him. Sam received him looking at her a little disconcerted.

-I think it's your right to open it first -the girl replied.

Sam looked at the envelope and opened it. He pulled out the pile of white office papers, which contained small folders inside. They were some confidential files of SHIELD, and others that only said confidential on the cover. He looked inside the envelope once more to get the rest of the smaller documents. When he had everything outside, he felt his stomach soften and his eyes water. He didn't want to cry there.

-They're pictures of ... all of us… -Sam said, reviewing each of the images. -I thought all this was at the base, and that they were lost when Thanos attacked.

-Maybe they're copies - Bucky said, seeing that on the back of a photo of the three outside a house he said "ask for another copy for Steve." Would she have managed to give one to her friend before sacrificing herself?

-Smart girl, she revealed the photos, she copied them and kept them," said Sam looking at all the images. They were almost all with Steve or Sam himself, and with other avengers as well. Photos with Clint and his family, a picture of Fury with an ice cream in his hand, and thus different scenes of the last years, moments that had been important for her.

Natasha had obtained an old analog camera, of which they used photographic roll, because she feared that if she used modern telephones or cameras, these would be intervened. Sure enough, at some point she had managed to reveal the images and save them where no one could find them, and now they were in the hands of Sam and Buck.

-It is a very nice gesture from Clint to allow us to see these things, they are very nice memories -Said Buck. Suddenly he felt he would have given anything to have such photos with his family and friends, especially now that technology made it so easy. Maybe he could research and look for pictures of his parents and siblings. Maybe he could buy a phone, although at first he had flatly refused.

Sam looked at the photos a few more minutes and started to see the rest of things. There was a black letter envelope that immediately caught his attention, half open and wrinkled, that said_ "__James__"_ on the outside, written with a white pencil. He took the envelope for a moment and tried to examine it to see if it gave clues to any address or other useful information. He wanted to open it, but evidently it wasn't for him, so he restrained himself.

-Hey Wanda, do you know if Nat was writing with Rhodey?

\- Tony's friend? I know they kept in constant contact when she was in charge of the surviving avengers after the snap, but more than that ... They were good friends, I guess, they've known each other for many, many years. Wanda answered, but the doubt persisted.

-Yeah... I think so ... - Said Sam.

-Why do you ask me? She insisted, and Sam lifted the envelope to show it to her. Bucky and Wanda looked at the same time, and showed the same expression of uncertainty. -Oh ...

\- They answered in unison, and stopped seeing the photographs.

-I don't know how close they would have been, but maybe taking a look inside could help clarify it- Suggested Wanda. Bucky tried to remember which other member of the team could be close to Natasha to write letters (especially existing easier and faster methods) that had the name James, until he remembered that_ he was also a James._ From that moment, Buck didn't stop frowning, keeping silent, attentive to the conversation between his two friends. For a second he had the feeling that he should take the envelope, but since he wasn't the only James, and he didn't had much interaction with Natasha, he couldn't demand much.

Sam was able to rest on the permission Wanda had given him to open the letter, so he did. It was not sealed, so maybe that meant something. Inside was a perfectly clean and white sheet, very well maintained for the state in which the envelope was, but the paper was blank. It had nothing written, and Sam was tremendously disappointed.

-It doesn't say anything, I feel cheated and definitely intrigued.-Maybe Nat couldn't write anything, who knows what she would have thought. Maybe thank Rhodey for helping her find Clint after the snap? That was an option, but writing letters didn't look much like Romanoff's style.

-Well, it would be better to return the mysterious letter to its place.-Wanda suggested, and Sam obeyed. He kept the paper as it was inside and left the envelope. Now he was interested in the folders.

A few minutes passed and Wanda prepared to return home. She excused herself saying that she still had to take her suitcase apart and that her apartment should be as messy as she left it a couple of weeks ago. Before saying goodbye, she hugged the boys and left them the bag with Nat's documents. It was already 7:00 PM when Wanda left with the promise to return in two days to go to the movies.

Bucky accompanied her to the door. He watched as she walked to the elevator around the corridor inside the building, and closed the door. He took a few steps in, but towards the dining room and before reaching the kitchen, the door rang again. He didn't feel any sound in and out of the apartment and tried to look at the sofa and the dining room, thinking that perhaps Wanda would have forgotten something. After those few seconds, the door was knocked again but harder. This time Buck felt a small chill, and couldn't tell if it was the temperature of the day or his body that froze. Sam yelled at him from the bathroom.

-Buuuuuck, go see Wanda!

-Okay …-His answer had sounded zero convincing. Bucky sensed that something wasn't right, that hadn't been the way to knock on the door that Wanda usually had.

He walked quickly and silently to the kitchen, took out a medium knife and took it stealthily, definitely he's going to call some locksmith tomorrow to install a peephole in the door. He approached carefully and opened a little, enough to show his face and not the body.

In fact, it wasn't Wanda who was there.

-Oh god …- Buck breathed softly.

-Go to find your keys and your wallet. We'll go for a walk.


End file.
